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As of recently I’ve found myself with a whole lot of free time on my rotten little hands. With all this spare time kicking around I often start thinking about things that aggravate me. As this tumblr blog is dedicated to the fine art of drinking and being a veteran of the cocktail concocting craft, I present to you Captain Cruella’s basics for being behind the long wooden counter.
1. Liquor building blocks.
Nothing pisses me off more than bellying up to a bar, putting my order in and having the bartender look at me like I just asked them to explain the theory of Quantum Physics. You should never have to ask what goes into a Highball or a Manhattan. These are the very foundations of all your big-titty-sex-on-the -beach-big-blondie-hand-job cocktails fellow bar folk! Know your liquors and know the basics. If you’re one of those people who forget easily, go buy yourself a bartender’s guidebook and make love to it, live with it, breathe it in and never ever go to work without it.
2. Calling Dr. Bartender.
Let’s play devil’s advocate. It’s been two months, by now nothing should shock you. You’ve seen it all right? Wrong. Your job as master mixologist doesn’t just end as your pour the prefect drink and slide it over to your thirsty customer. To be an exceptional bartender you need to embrace your inner therapist. You must be a superb conversationalist. You must be able to engage every customer that walks through the door. They’re tipping you. Sometimes they’re tipping you big. So unless the person is a weirdo stalker that visits the establishment daily and waits for you in a dark alley every night, then consider that person a golden ticket.
3. Are you wearing pajamas?
These rules are simple to follow. Pajamas are for sleeping and not for working in, especially at a bar. Please cover your ass, take out your obnoxious facial piercings and keep your nails at a reasonable length. Your dragon lady fingernail that’s mingling with my cocktail as you serve it to me is totally disgusting and unsanitary. Looking your best and presenting to the world that you can be sexy without having your tits hanging out and that you’re working at a bar, not a street corner also says much about the establishment. Keep it classy ladies and gents, not trashy. You’ll get more respect and believe it or not, bigger tips.
4. STFU! Being nice to each other in the presence of your clientele.
Screaming profanities and talking shit about the other staff while in front of your patrons makes you look like an asshole and no one thinks it’s funny or cute. There. I said it. Just don’t go there, OK?
Now that I’ve bitched about some bad bar behavior I’d like to end this on a high note by talking about a place that knows how to make an exceptional concoction. The Stockade Tavern located on 313 Fair Street in the beautiful and historic uptown Kingston, NY knows a thing or two about hand crafted beverages. The bar is beautiful, the drinks are superbly hand crafted and the owners and staff always make you feel like you’re part of the family. If you’re ever in the Hudson Valley I highly recommend it. Just be sure to tell ‘em that the zombie Captain sent ya! As always viva la liquor and bottoms up, kittens!
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How is it that this film still can effect us so profoundly, when so much of horror’s power is drawn from the unexpected? One would think that age would be the death knell of a great horror movie, and yet films like Nosferatu prove this to be dead wrong. Whether you’re discovering it for the first time all these decades later, or watching it for the 90th time, Nosferatu has the power to utterly creep you out. Personally, I credit it to the merits of German Expressionism.-The Vault of Horror.
Here’s how we do it up in the crypt; in an ice filled shaker pour vodka, champagne and Chambord. Shake and strain into a pre-chilled, red sugar rimmed martini glass. Guard your neck and enjoy! Viva la liquor and bottoms up, Kittens!
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It’s been too long since I’ve posted a new concoction and what better way to come back in full force than with Dead Alive and the Brain-Duster—two classics! The Brain-Duster was first created in 1895 by fellow ace bartender, George J. Kappeler who advised that while drinking the Brain-Duster, you’d have to hold onto your hat. Ample warning for such a potent libation!
As far as Dead Alive goes I’ve heard the gore is plentiful, the zombies awesome, and the dark twisted humor totally killer. Horror fans have told me that this flick reminds them of Evil Dead II and with that, this film is a total must see for me! So while you’re kicking back and enjoying Brain Dead aka Dead Alive, pour yourself a Brain-Duster and enjoy the gore! As always viva la liquor and bottoms up, Kittens!
Here’s how we do it up in the crypt:
1 oz Rye Whiskey
1 oz Absinthe
1 oz Italian Vermouth
Dash of Angostura bitters
Stir rye, absinthe, vermouth and bitters well with cracked ice, then strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Enjoy!
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It’s not often one gets to kick back and chat with Rowdy Roddy Piper about his movie role in the classic 1988 flick THEY LIVE, in between him piledriving and hammerlocking his compadres. But he did just that with my Terror Team-mate Brian Solomon from The Vault of Horror. In a rare audio clip, Piper discusses how John Carpenter asked him to play the lead role, and also talks about the legendary fight scene.
You can catch They Live, listen to this clip and hang with The Terror Team this Thursday, September 22 at the historic Avon Theatre in Stamford, Connecticut, where we host the Cult Classics series typically twice a month. It all starts at 9 pm!
What better way to celebrate an evil zomBie-alienesque takeover than with a drink that will bend your mind. This one I’m calling OBEY YOUR THIRST and we do it up in the crypt like this:
2 ounces of Midori
1 ounce of apple vodka
1 ounce of Bailey’s
splash of grenadine
Mix all ingredients in a shaker filled with ice, shake like your life depends on it, and then pour into a rocks glass. Enjoy!
I know I’ll be sipping this delightful concoction while comparing the fight scenes from They Live and South Park’s infamous Cripple Fight scene, won’t you join me? Viva la cocktail and bottoms up!
You think they’re people just like you. You’re wrong. Dead wrong.
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This current concoction I owe mostly to Mr. Solomon from the Vault of Horror who, much to my complete resistance, recently talked me into the notion that getting cable television would actually be sort of fun. Along with our cable television hookup came FEARnet and I’m really not sure how we lived without it. If you don’t have FEARnet, you NEED THIS.
Anyway…we caught the quintessential vampire flick FRIGHT NIGHT last evening and it truly inspired me to concoct for all you ghoulies a frightfully delicious drink to sip while watching Chris Sarandon and Amanda Bearse get their vamp on.
Here’s how we do it up in the crypt:
Dark & Stormy with a Vampiric twist:
Combine the beet infused rum, ginger flavored vodka and ginger beer in a tall glass full of ice cubes. Using the back of a spoon float the dark rum on top and stir. Garnish with a cherry. Serve it up!
Put the beets in a wide-mouthed glass jar with a lid. Add the rum and seal the container tightly. The mixture will immediately turn a bright red. Store the rum in a cool dark place for 4 days, rotating the jar to mix at least once a day. After 4 days remove and discard the beets, using a slotted spoon. Replace the lid and store in the refrigerator for up to six months. Bottoms up and viva la liquor!
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This cocktail was inspired by my recent yet reluctant viewing of the 1975 mechanical fish nightmare known as JAWS. As a small child I was allowed to watch this classic thriller forever scarring me, making Captain Cruella galeophobic. However god awful the thought of sharks are for me, I will admit that when it comes to this kind of thriller, no movie has been able to top this type of horror flick. Many have tried and as the years go by, it seems increasingly unlikely that anything will ever come close. So as my salute to one of the most truly horrifying summer movies of all times I say, Bottoms up! And maybe one day I’ll finally be able to sit through the entire movie without covering my eyes and crying like a little bitch.
Here’s how we do it up in the Crypt:
3 oz light rum
3/4 oz Chambord
3 tbsp coconut milk
3 tbsp crushed pineapple
Pour rum, coconut milk and pineapple into your blender with about two cups of ice. Blend until smooth and pour into a coupe glass. Pour Chambord over top.
Until next time Kittens, make sure you slather on your sunscreen, wait a half an hour after you eat and drink before swimming, and when someone washes up on shore looking like a half devoured turkey on Thanksgiving, STAY THE HELL OUT OF THE WATER.
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“The Big Lebowski” has attracted a cult following, and as the film’s renown has grown, so has the renown of the White Russian, or, as the Dude calls them, “Caucasians.” Not long ago, the cocktail was considered passé and often likened, in its original formula, to an alcoholic milkshake and I couldn’t agree more. However, on a nice relaxing Saturday afternoon there’s nothing better than pouring yourself one of these, sitting down with a good book and chillaxing for the afternoon.
I know most of you might be surprised by what I’m about to tell you, and as a bartender myself I often come across this cocktail murder as most people have no idea how to make a White Russian. Repeat after me, VODKA, Kahlua, Cream. Yes…3 part drink. 3. Here’s how we do it up in the crypt:
2 oz Vodka ( I prefer Grey Goose or Three Olives) but anything will do
1 oz Kahlua
4 parts cream
In a rocks glass filled with ice pour the Vodka, Kahlua and cream. Shake and serve up to all your “dudes”
My suggestion to you is to go netflix the Big Lebowski, sit back with your White Russians and count how many times the dude actually bowls. ( and I’m sure after about 3 or 4 of these babies you’ll be skipping back and forth through this movie to see that he never actually does get to bowl..not even once!) Enjoy and Viva la Lebowski, Kittens!