HELL-o and welcome kittens! Join me, Captain Cruella of the Carnivorous Cadavers, on my quest for the perfect libation to pair with what every zomBabe desires...BRAINS!

17th January 2012

Post with 4 notes

What not to do. A ghoul’s guide to perfect bartending.

As of recently I’ve found myself with a whole lot of free time on my rotten little hands. With all this spare time kicking around I often start thinking about things that aggravate me. As this tumblr blog is dedicated to the fine art of drinking and being a veteran of the cocktail concocting craft, I present to you Captain Cruella’s basics for being behind the long wooden counter.

1. Liquor building blocks.

Nothing pisses me off more than bellying up to a bar, putting my order in and having the bartender look at me like I just asked them to explain the theory of Quantum Physics. You should never have to ask what goes into a Highball or a Manhattan. These are the very foundations of all your big-titty-sex-on-the -beach-big-blondie-hand-job cocktails fellow bar folk! Know your liquors and know the basics. If you’re one of those people who forget easily, go buy yourself a bartender’s guidebook and make love to it, live with it, breathe it in and never ever go to work without it.

2. Calling Dr. Bartender.

Let’s play devil’s advocate. It’s been two months, by now nothing should shock you. You’ve seen it all right? Wrong. Your job as master mixologist doesn’t just end as your pour the prefect drink and slide it over to your thirsty customer. To be an exceptional bartender you need to embrace your inner therapist. You must be a superb conversationalist. You must be able to engage every customer that walks through the door. They’re tipping you. Sometimes they’re tipping you big. So unless the person is a weirdo stalker that visits the establishment daily and waits for you in a dark alley every night, then consider that person a golden ticket.

3. Are you wearing pajamas?

These rules are simple to follow. Pajamas are for sleeping and not for working in, especially at a bar. Please cover your ass, take out your obnoxious facial piercings and keep your nails at a reasonable length. Your dragon lady fingernail that’s mingling with my cocktail as you serve it to me is totally disgusting and unsanitary. Looking your best and presenting to the world that you can be sexy without having your tits hanging out and that you’re working at a bar, not a street corner also says much about the establishment. Keep it classy ladies and gents, not trashy. You’ll get more respect and believe it or not, bigger tips.

4. STFU! Being nice to each other in the presence of your clientele.

Screaming profanities and talking shit about the other staff while in front of your patrons makes you look like an asshole and no one thinks it’s funny or cute. There. I said it. Just don’t go there, OK?

Now that I’ve bitched about some bad bar behavior I’d like to end this on a high note by talking about a place that knows how to make an exceptional concoction. The Stockade Tavern located on 313 Fair Street in the beautiful and historic uptown Kingston, NY knows a thing or two about hand crafted beverages. The bar is beautiful, the drinks are superbly hand crafted and the owners and staff always make you feel like you’re part of the family. If you’re ever in the Hudson Valley I highly recommend it. Just be sure to tell ‘em that the zombie Captain sent ya! As always viva la liquor and bottoms up, kittens!

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